23 minutes

I'm sitting on the couch at my mom's house with 23 minutes left of my birthday. I'm sleepy, but I feel like I can't go to sleep before the day's really over. I had planned to come home after dinner and start going through my clothes, packing things into suitcases to see what will fit (on my body and into the suitcase) to bring to Korea. Instead I just want to go to bed.

This birthday -25- has been weird for me. It's the first time I've been in Sulphur that I really remember, since I've had all the friends who are close to me now and since I've been on my own. I'm still trying to process why I feel this way, kind of empty, lonely. Probably because my friends aren't all around me like they have been for the past six years.

Change.

Late

I've been waiting to go to Korea for years. Just two weeks ago, I cried myself to sleep because it didn't look like there was a position for me for a long time and I want to go so badly. My friend Amy, who is teaching there right now and also did a few years ago for the first time, told me about two different programs last week and I've contacted them and talked to both recruiters since.

Last night, I talked to the ECC recruiter and he said there are four positions available at the end of November in or near Seoul. He said, once I rank the positions in order of most to least favorable, he will talk to the schools and is sure he can get one to offer a contract. But I need to do it in the next few days.

Tonight, I Skype interviewed with Poly Schools and they have one position in Seoul that needs to be filled ASAP. Paul, the guy I talked to, is going to talk to the director today (it's 3pm there) and he will probably want to interview me Sunday. I'm clearing my schedule.

If this goes through, I would leave as soon as my visa confirmation number comes in. That takes 8-10 days and it would get started as soon as I accept the contract. Pretty sure we'd be looking at leaving in two weeks.

Needless to say, I'm not going to sleep for a while. It's amazing what happens when you say, "Fine, God, this doesn't make any sense to me, but you said you'd direct my steps, so I believe you."

In flight

I'm in the middle of a very long flight.

(It's a metaphor, people... work with me.)

This is usually exhilarating for me because I know what the destination is and I know exactly how long it's going to take to get there. I know where the bathroom is and I know the flight attendants will bring me meals, drinks when I ask for them, and a travel toothbrush and warm towel when we get close to landing. And I made the decision to get on the particular plane I did, so it's all OK with me. But right now, I'm mid-flight over the dark, freezing Pacific and I don't know where I'm headed. And I don't know where the bathroom is or when I'll get to brush my teeth or even eat again. I want to think of this transition time as the exciting flight to somewhere I've never been, but it doesn't always feel that way.

I'm back in Sulphur - waiting to land.

I'm working at Chili's here, which is very different from the Chili's in Ruston where I had started making friends and actually having fun.

I'm waiting for the FBI to return my background check so I can apply to schools in Korea.

And then I'll be waiting to see if anyone accepts me.

Then I'll be on a real plane, headed to a real place, and I'll know where the bathroom is.

New step

I just submitted two poems to an online poetry magazine. We'll see how it goes! Both poems I sent really impressed one of the guys in our poetry group, and he's a "real" poet, haha. I feel good about them, anyway.

Balancing act

Transition in general is a good thing. Switching jobs, moving to a new house, even just rearranging your room... New things are good. I have always said I like change. So I didn't think the huge transition about to happen in my life would affect me horribly. I'm (still hopefully) moving to Korea in September. That fact alone doesn't really scare me much. I'm very excited about being somewhere new, meeting all new people, finding a different community, all of those "good new" things. What I'm not loving is the work-up to saying goodbye to the people I'm closest to in the world. I hadn't pictured this moment yet in my mental idea of what this would all be like. The looming dread of saying goodbye to people who I really have no idea when I'll see again is scaring the heck out of me.

I got to see Leigh this weekend, which is wonderful. We don't see each other often, but we've always been within an hour and a half of each other and that's comforting. I like to imagine that being across the world and pretending we could visit if we wanted will still be somewhat similar to being in the same state.

One of the things I love most about my friends is that they are all just as adventurous as me. We understand each other in that way. Because that's just who we are, I knew we wouldn't all live near each other forever. I wanted the best of both worlds though, somehow, and I always just imagined it would be OK when the day came. I guess I had it all planned out in the back of my mind... I would get to go be adventurous (married to the love of my life, of course) and at least some of my friends would be somewhere nearby, maybe in a neighboring country or even in the same one. At one point, I had imagined Leigh and Eric and me and my husband working in Honduras together as a real possibility. But that's just not how life is today. I've said this before, but I know what I'm passionate about, and I'm glad I'm sure. I just kind of wish I wasn't the only one because this is getting harder than I expected.

-----

I'm back. I just went with Bri and laid in the pool for a while and now I'm in my swimsuit on the couch with half-wet hair eating a peach and cheesecake snow cone. It's a little harder to feel sad about my life at the moment.

-----

Some thoughts after talking to friends:

Caleb and I hung out last night for the first time in a week or so. He's always making me realize I need to read more Eliot. He explains the deeper sentiments in it so well and recites the best lines, and it actually makes me interested. Reading Eliot on my own has never really excited me until I read "Burnt Norton" a few months ago. I think it's appropriate now too. Here's the line that first caught me:

What might have been is an abstraction
Remaining a perpetual possibility
Only in a world of speculation.
What might have been and what has been
Point to one end, which is always present.

We are here no matter where we thought we would be or where we have been. That's sometimes SUCH a hard thing to accept. Accepting what's happening in life can be such a struggle for me. Really accepting it. I don't even think I know what it means to accept something rough or painful.

Which brings me to the thought I had after talking to Jenni a few minutes ago. I knew I'd been feeling like I'm standing, balancing on the top of a tall pole, trying not to fall but unsure how to stay on it or how to get down safely. But now, it makes sense why I feel that way. I don't know how to move on from the "deferred hope" that I have right now. Usually when I feel this way, I've already got another plan in front of me - another guy, to be honest. But I don't have that now. And I don't want it. I'm glad I've grown and am making good decisions in this regard, but now I don't know what steps to take to move on. So I'm out on a ledge I've never been on before. This is so new I can't even keep my metaphors straight. A friend of mine says, "Time and God are the only things we can be sure of" -- that just came to mind. It's true, and that's what I'm going to lean on.

Always more to learn

The past year of my life (almost to the day) has been tumultuous, to say the least. I've felt the most pure joy I have ever felt and probably the hardest times I can remember. And I've learned so much. It's been a crazy process of me trying to figure out who I am and who I want to be. Once I feel like I've nailed one aspect, something new arises and, for a while, makes me feel like I've learned nothing. Now, I know that's not true - anyone know knows me knows that it's pretty easy for me to lose perspective when things change. One thing I know I'm learning, though, is how to gain that perspective back more quickly than before and not let my emotions and destructive, untrue thoughts run wild.

The past week or so, I've realized how important it is to me for people to think I'm good at what I do. Great at what I do, actually. All my life, I've been the best at everything in my family. I'm the oldest, the first one to go to college, the one to get the best grades, the one everyone in my family calls when they have a question even about random things that I really don't know much about. I am usually a fast learner, pick up on things quickly and am good at most things I try my hand at. At least that's how I like to see myself.

I started working at Chili's a little over a week ago, and I've worked a lot since I've started so I've had a lot of time to realize that I'm not OK if everyone there doesn't see me as the amazing new server who doesn't mess up. The first thing that came to mind when I realized that need is that I need to learn humility. Whether or not I am great at what I'm doing, I shouldn't need people to acknowledge it. It's definitely an attention thing too - if I'm just average, people don't have any reason to pay attention to me. I want to be honest with myself about these things so I can change my heart and attitude and not fall apart when I'm just average at something. I don't want my identity to be found in the attention I get from people.

Also I've realized lately that it freaks me out that I'm going to go to Korea alone. I am proud of myself that I am finally following this dream that I've had for so long. I know this is who I am and I'm glad that I am being true to myself and to the desires God's given me. But considering most of the people I'm surrounded by right now, I seem to be one of the few who hasn't chosen to go to Africa - which threw me off when I thought about it. I love South Africa and I know I could be happy there and it wouldn't be as scary because I would know so many people there. It's just not where my passion is. Again, I'm really happy that I am sure about what I want, but once I get past the concept of just "being in Korea" for a year and think about practical, every day life, I get scared. Will I have any friends like I have here who I can talk to about important things? Will I be able to talk to my friends anywhere close to the amount I do now? What will I do every day after work? I've never lived alone, will I even be able to handle that? What if I can't find a good community to be involved in? That makes a year seem like a really long time.

Side note: For the first time, my fear is not "Oh no, when will I get married?" I feel very grown up because of this, too. I also know (given my new rational mindset) that once I leave Louisiana, 24 will seem VERY young to me. In Korea, it's rare for women to marry before they are 26 or so.

I've seen such a pattern in my life of me freaking out about what will happen, things falling into place (while I don't realize it and think God's nowhere to be found), then realizing that everything worked out the best way it could and He was taking care of me all along. So, I know that this pattern will continue - He WILL be in Korea taking care of me. I do have peace about deciding to go; it's just a lack of confidence in my own ability to be OK without the people and security I have here. But He's given me this passion and He's already there preparing a community for me. I just need to actively trust Him with it.

In a very, very special woman's words, here I go.

When I can't write

A few things:

I am learning about loss. This past week, I've done a lot of thinking about LJ, regretting my actions, being angry at him, angry at myself, and overall just being sad. I am learning, though, that loss doesn't only come in the forms of breaking up or people dying. Lots of things in life qualify as life. Relationships are life. So even loss of a relationship is akin to a death. A friendship ending, even if sometimes it's for a good reason, is a hard thing. I think loss is hard because it's usually filled with so much regret. "If I had only been there that night," "If I had only not caused that fight," and other self-destructive thoughts make loss so much harder than it would be if we would just accept it. But we're human. Sometimes, though, the loss really had nothing to do with your actions in any way, but still, then it's hard because you wish you would have been in a place of influence to stop it from happening - but you couldn't be.

Leaving Ruston will be a loss, though sometimes a very welcome one. I realized yesterday how many remnants of loss are left here for me to see. Places where I've spent a lot of time but can't anymore, precious people I can't talk to anymore... They do nothing but sadden me. Almost everyone I know is leaving soon. I'm holding on to memories of what Ruston has meant to me, and those are priceless memories and I couldn't be more grateful for my experiences here. But it's time.

I've started sending in my paperwork to teach in Korea. In my mind, I'm ready to be there now. But there are a few things keeping me for a little while. Treasure's having her baby at the beginning of August, and I really want to be here for that. But as for Ruston specifically, I want a little more time because of the creative community that had recently grown around me. I don't want to stay here forever, and I know it's close to time for me to leave, but at this moment, for the next few months, I want the creative side of me that's been awakened to continue to be fostered. I don't know that I could flourish in that way in Sulphur, where I will likely be for the last part of the summer. It scares me to be taken away from this community right now. I imagine that once I live in Korea I will find such a community of writers, artists - people whose souls are alive in those ways. I really hope I find that.

I decided a few weeks ago that I want to be a poet. At least I want to shoot for that. My mom has always believed I'd write a book one day, and I always disagreed. But maybe I'll write a collection of poetry. I would love that. I do know that I'm a better poet than prose writer. I don't know what that means - it could just be that my prose isn't very good. But it could mean that I have some potential for being a "real" poet one day. I know that's an aspiration that a ton of people have and never achieve. But if you don't have the goal, there's no chance. Here's a poem I like that the guys in my poetry workshop told me was the best I'd written so far. Again, "best" is relative, but here it is. It motivates me when I'm frustrated.

Revelation

Morning breaks brilliantly,

surprising the sleeping sparrows

on narrow branches, nearly

toppling them. Tiny creations

awaken with soft, new light

to an unmatched warmth.

Under delicate talons, ice

cracks slowly, steadily betraying

sparkling boughs as damp mahogany

and drab.

"French Kiss" party

Tonight, a local businessman rented out the upstairs of Frothy to host a "social mixer/fundraiser" and I was told there would be wine and a live jazz band. Getting a mental picture? Good.

Well, around 10:30pm, people started arriving, and I'm starting to wonder what kind of fundraiser in Ruston, of all places, starts after 8pm. I mean, traffic lights in Ruston start blinking around 9. The music choice was not exactly jazz, but more like the music in a very hoppin' club - just as loud too.

Everything was happening upstairs so I wasn't aware of what was going on, except for what I could imagine, given the music I was hearing and the lady who came down to ask if we had any ones to spare, which made me raise an eyebrow. Then a steady flow of girls started coming downstairs to use the bathroom. What was happening upstairs was everyone was getting really drunk, really fast. At this point, it's about midnight and I decided to start bringing dishes to the kitchen. So I carried a stack of dishes to the back, working my way through the throng outside of the bathroom door. As I'm standing at the sink, one girl waiting outside of the bathroom says, "Well I'm going to have to pee in the sink then" and is pulling up her dress. Then she changes her mind and asks me if she can go outside because she can't wait for the bathroom -- she's about to go on the floor. So I let her outside and she just squatted on the sidewalk, right by my car. At this point, I have three of her friends in the kitchen with me. Then the girl outside yelled in the door for napkins. One girl is talking to me, telling me she clearly isn't drunk like her friends are and repeatedly asks me how her hair and dress look and if I really think she's drunk, and she wants me to fix her hair for her. Then Jonathan comes in, realizes what's happening, and looks at me like, "Seriously?" He gets everyone out of the kitchen and says, "Did that girl really just piss on my sidewalk?" In my mind, when I was opening the door for her, the outside would be a safe place to go -- it wouldn't be too much of a bother. Really, it was better than her peeing in the kitchen, but I didn't think through how unfortunate it would be to have urine running down the sidewalk. Needless to say, the whole thing was a wonderful experience that won't be happening again.

The whole time, the man in charge kept saying "Hey J!" to get Jonathan's attention and said, "Man, we made this place the Funky Monkey tonight, didn't we?" When we were cleaning after people left, there was a flier lying around for the party. It says "FRENCH KISS" written over a huge picture of red lips, right above the picture of Mariah Carey. On either side of her: "This is an upskale event. No T-shirts/baggy klothes" and "Frothy Monkey's 2 Storey facility allows u 2 chill on one level... and party on another... "

Not quite the evening of wine and jazz that I had imagined.

Late with a good chance of incoherency

Transitional thoughts...

I realized today (probably not for the first time) why community, support, and encouragement are so important. I finally started my bible study for the week, and the lesson ended with 1 Peter 4:19 --

"So then, those who suffer according to God's will should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good."

Similar to that verse we all love (Galatians 6:9) that basically says, "Hey! Shut up and keep going even though things really suck!" That's the LAST thing I want to hear because I don't want things to be hard and then be expected to "keep on keeping on" through it. I want to cave in. I want to give up. I want to stop doing the right thing. That'd be so much easier. Here's where I realized why I need people for support. I will inevitably stop making the right decisions if I'm not accountable to and honest with people who will be there to encourage me to do the godly thing when I really want to do the wrong thing -- even though I'm very aware it's not God's best. Don't get me wrong, the Holy Spirit is the encourager, and although sometimes I do forget that, I know that he does help more than I will ever be aware of. However, God also gave us people to help us keep going when it's hard. The hard part, our own part, is being honest with people so they know how to help. I had gotten really good at that this past year. Prided myself on it, actually. But I feel like I've stopped, in a way. I had a "high" of being super honest and now I'm falling into a rut again of thinking I'll be OK if I don't acknowledge things to other people and just keep going on my own. I know there's a balance to this though, as with everything in life. So, just as I experienced the high level of honesty and openness, now I feel like I'm in the down swing of the pendulum, letting my mind turn honesty into being needy and overwhelming.

Another part of where I am, maybe contributing to why I feel like I'm in a rut, is that I just don't know what to do with not having the normalcy of school that I've had for the past 6 years. I don't have anything to fall back on, so I have a lot more free time. I'm unsure of how to live a life full of free time and still make good decisions. Making a positive transition into the social world of adulthood is harder than I expected. I don't know how to be a Christian in that world, which is unsettling. I've been evaluating what it means to follow Christ and how well other people can and should be able to tell that I'm trying to do so. So far, I think the bible says people will know we are Christians by how we love each other and by the fruit of the spirit we display. So I've been thinking about that and trying to figure out which fruits I have... and which ones I don't. Anyway, I think school/campus was my comfort blanket, in that I always had a community of both students seeking God and those who couldn't care less. So it was easier to have that support, even when I didn't want it, and to disciple others all at the same time. Now, my community is the few friends I have left in Ruston, Crossroads, and the people I work with. You know, I've just typed so many different sentences and then erased them all. I can't explain at the moment why life now is so different, but I'm sure I'll keep thinking about it to try and clarify my thoughts. It's just been a struggle for me lately. I think one reason I can name is because I don't see any way that I'm living differently from the people around me, so I'm not sure how being a Christian is actively separating me or causing me to show Jesus. I feel more like I'm assimilating to the world and being consumed by it instead of being a light. So I'm not sure where to go from here.

For now, I will go to sleep.

Musings

I feel like yesterday didn't happen. I didn't get out of bed until 1pm, then I worked from 3-8:30. I did, though, go see Hall Pass at 10pm by myself, which was great (although I'd suggest closing your eyes for a while after you see Owen Wilson wake up in the hot tub). I really enjoy going to the movies alone sometimes. I was in a weird mood yesterday - you know the kind when your hormones are just freaking out and you interpret every situation as people treating you negatively even though, rationally, you know it's not true? That's where I was. At least I've learned to pinpoint when it happens, so I can just seclude myself until it goes away so I don't cause a fight or say something I don't mean. Also, I had a headache all day, which always makes things worse. Anyway, today was tons better. About two hours ago, Bri, Lori and I went on a bike ride around Ruston. I learned that it's not that bad of a ride to Frothy from home, which is great! I also learned that it's a bad idea to ride the bike I have now - the brakes hardly work! The back brakes don't work at all, and the front ones don't work well and literally sound like someone trying to learn to play the trumpet. The third thing I learned is that it's a much better work out for me to ride a real bike around town instead of going to spin class!

I'm reading East of Eden so I can go to a book club at the end of April. I wanted some motivation to keep reading for fun after school had ended. I'm enjoying it a lot so far. Steinbeck is a lot more poetic than I expected! F. Scott Fitzgerald is the same way. Love it.

The abstract

A week or so ago, after blathering on about poetry for a while to my new boss at Frothy, I was posed with the question of what I knew about conceptual art. I actually found myself dumbstruck and eventually came out with something like, "Uh, I like Starry Night..." and then I actually said, "I like others of Picasso too though." One of the more shameful moments in my life, I know. Since then, I've been making an effort to become more knowledgeable and find new art that I like. This process has been great! One, I LOVE to learn. That might be my most overarching characteristic. It carries over into my excitement to meet new people and learn about them, explains why I'm most people's resident nerd always ready to look up any fact I don't know, and answers (when I forget) the question of why I went to graduate school. Two, I love being inspired. I've been getting excited about the summer (in my mind, that means from now until August) because it could be a really creative time. There are so many projects I've had in mind that I've always been too busy to get to because of school. Now, I don't have that excuse anymore! And since I'm becoming more surrounded by creativity, I think I will start to write more and dare I say try to draw/paint.

Jonathan and I hung the paintings back up at Frothy this week and I mentioned wanting to try and paint something abstract so I could understand what goes into it, since, to me, it seems "easy." I know that is an ignorant thing to say -- that's why I want to do it myself to understand. So he offered to let me draw/paint with him once his studio is ready. Since I've been thinking about this new creative process as a real possibility, my mind has been reeling with ideas. I've never even had these thought processes before because I've never gotten past "I'd like to paint. Maybe one day." So I tried to draw out an idea I have for something I'd like to try and create. Once I see how it goes, I'll explain the idea. As of now, I'm realizing how poetry and conceptual art are connected, which helps me understand what the end of painting can be. For instance, there are some concepts I haven't been able to express in words that I was able to draw out when I tried to sketch that idea I had.

Now, I come to the abstract part of all of this. I can't draw realistic scenes well. So abstract art has always been more appealing, and I assumed it was because I thought it would be easier. However, I realized it's likely that I'm most attracted to this style because that's how I write. With the small amount of poetry I have written, I feel like it's all pretty vague -- you could (hopefully) apply the emotions and images to any number of situations. And I like this. I enjoy writing poetry that can express the emotions inside of me in a way that is different from me just writing a note to explain what I'm thinking about or feeling. So the poem allows for interpretation, just like abstract painting. Brilliant, right? There had been an abstract painting hanging in Frothy for a while, a long time ago, and I would always go back and forth between seeing it as a heart or a ship breaking through the middle of a city. Once we started talking about painting, I told Jonathan I liked that piece. He said it was his and, once I told him what it had looked like to me, he showed me the coffee machine piece he used as inspiration. Just like poetry, the painting can come to be something completely different from what the artist intended and still strike a chord of meaning with the person seeing/reading it. I realize the connection is simplistic, but I had never made it concretely before between the written and conceptual abstract, so it has opened my eyes to a new world of creative outlet.

As for the poetry aspect of my expectedly creative summer, a few friends (creative writing teacher Genaro Smith, John Martin, Caleb and Valerie) and I are trying to start a creative writing workshop to share and help each other with our personal writing. I agree with Wordsworth that "poetry is the spontaneous overflow of powerful feelings; it takes its origin from emotion recollected in tranquility." I think I'm lacking, though, in in the "recollecting in tranquility" part. I stop at the "spontaneous overflow of powerful feelings," so most of my poems are half-formed emotions blurred on a page. I'll get to work...

Find new inspiration today.

The "up" side

My last post detailed all of the negative aspects of graduation. So let me share a good part.

First of all, I have the best roommates in the world. They are amazing in many ways, but today, I mainly mean thoughtful. Last week -- just go with me here -- I asked Lori to borrow one of her necklaces. She has two small dainty ones - the "special necklace" kind, you know? So I explained that I had wanted to borrow one because I miss having a special necklace to wear all the time. So last night, Bri and Lori were talking at the bar, and I said something as I walked past and kept going. Then I came back, walked past the bar again, and Lori finally just pointed to the present that I kept walking past. They got me a really pretty bottle of Riesling, which I really like, and a necklace - a thin gold chain with a brown pearl. Perfect, right?

I know that was a blunt ending, but I've got to get to work! Have an amazing day when you read this.

Much ado

Graduation is tomorrow, and I've been forgetting about it off and on until now. I don't intend this to be a philosophical rant about my life post-graduation; I'm just frustrated that there is so much hassle that goes along with the ceremony. So as I plan to rant about that to you, I realize it's not actually that much, but here I go anyway.

Today, I finally picked up my master's hood from the bookstore, which was 44 dollars (with a tassle). That's ridiculous. Then, I came home to try and figure out how it works. There is a very oddly shaped piece of material coming out of the bottom of it, which, to the best of my knowledge, just needs to be shoved inside the colored material until it's hidden and not oddly shaped. So I was working on that, realizing I was going to get dressed by myself without help, when Lori came home, so I yelled, "Lori! I need you to help me!" I think she expected for something to have collapsed on me. But she couldn't figure the hood out either. Why is it so awkwardly shaped?? And why did liberal arts get white hoods? Isn't white the absence of color? Or all the colors together? Courtney, I'm sure you can help me out with that one. Either one could have some deeper significance... that's probably why white was assigned to liberal arts.

So tonight, I remembered I'll need to wear a dress. I don't have a plethora of dresses - that's Leigh's department. Unfortunately, I don't have access to her closet right now. If I hadn't virtually forgotten about all that goes along with graduation, I wouldn't be worrying about what to wear the midnight before. I started with the shoes. I decided the best shoes were either the stilettos I wore for Courtney's wedding or the sparkly heels from Leigh's. Stylish ladies, they are. I decided on Courtney's because they are strappy and go better with the sundress I found hidden away in my closet. The dress is white with yellow flowers and green leaves. I actually wore the same dress to a Tech graduation when I was a junior - shh, maybe everyone won't remember. Fortunately, I feel like the dress looks better on me now than it did three years ago. I also chose a three quarter sleeved pink cardigan with lace on the shoulders and upper back to wear over the dress to tie it in with the heels. I think it works.

I do feel a bit wobbly in those heels - and they hurt like heck - but what are you going to do? As long as I don't bust it as I'm shaking Dr. Reneau's hand, I can deal with the pain.

For some reason, I also can't stop debating if and where to get lunch with my family tomorrow before graduation, as well as where to go for dinner that evening. Every chance I get, I want Frothy for lunch because it's amazing and I like contributing to the business. However, I always have an issue with not picking the cheapest place to eat when my mom's paying. Oh well, just another thing to think about.

In addition to graduation, here is a list of the holidays that started 45 minutes ago:

Thermos Bottle Day
New York Subway Birthday
Movie Cartoon Birthday
National Pistachio Day
For Pete's Sake Day
Levi Strauss' Birthday
Tell a Fairy Tale Day

Any combination of these could be really entertaining! Go crazy!

Be on your way

I forgot to mention the last reason Monday was truly a new day. We started a new bible study in my community group. The last two that we had done were a bit disappointing, compared to the first one, which changed me so much. So now, we are doing "David: Seeking a Heart Like His" by Beth Moore. This morning, the first scripture I read in the study really spoke to me. As most of you know, I've been disappointed and somewhat sad lately because a situation I had expected to work out in my life, didn't. I've been trying to trust God with it, recognizing that He knows what's happening on all ends of a situation and still controls it all. It's just been hard, and full of ups and downs. I can't say how appreciative I am to those friends of mine who have been there to listen to me whine, cry, or just rant at times. So Monday night, at the end of Beth's lesson, she said to have a heart like David's, one that is after God's own heart, we have to give him ours fully, whatever state it's in. She said if your heart is broken, just give him the pieces and he will make it new. That as refreshing to hear. That, along with gaining a little more understanding on the situation, I woke up Wednesday morning feeling better than I had in a while.

So, back to the scripture I read this morning. 1 Samuel 16:1 is God talking to Samuel, and He says, "How long will you mourn for Saul, since I have rejected him as king over Israel? Fill your horn with oil and be on your way; I am sending you to Jesse of Bethlehem. I have chosen one of his sons to be king." This kind of slapped me in the face. I love the moments where I can so clearly see God taking me by the hand, helping me to learn something and grow and change from it. I took this as God telling me that I need to recognize that he "rejected" the situation that I have been sad about not happening. Now, I need to stop "mourning" it and "be on my way." He's got other, betterd things for me to be doing. Samuel mourned and grieved Saul's disobedience to God because he knew that meant Saul wasn't the right king of Israel. Then God told him to stop mourning because there were other things he needed to be doing - like anointing a new king.

God's process is amazing to me sometimes. And yet so many times, it's still so hard for me to trust. As far as my "filling my horn with oil and being on my way"... I'm still praying about the job in North Carolina and what I should do after the summer. It makes a lot more sense for me to try and get a job here, given the political state of things in South Korea and that having an opportunity at a university would be great, I can't shake feeling like I would never get to go to Korea if I didn't go this year and that I would be taking the easy way out by staying in the States. Maybe it really just is my choice, but before I found this job in NC, I had realized that going to Korea would require me to trust God the most, since it will likely delay my "meeting somebody" at least until I'm almost 26. That scares me. But I do think once I move out of the South, it won't seem like such a big deal because every twenty-something around me won't be married. I'm not making a decision right now; I'm just keeping my heart open for whatever direction God leads as I go "on my way."

Turning a new leaf

Hello again. Monday, I realized I needed to start a new blog and try to keep up with it this time. The title "To name is to know and remember" is a line from my favorite poem "Words" by Dana Gioia. I love this poem because it explores how the world would still be as beautiful and real as it is, even if we never used any words to describe it. But we can't do that. We use words because we need them. Here's the whole poem:

The world does not need words. It articulates itself
in sunlight, leaves, and shadows. The stones on the path
are no less real for lying uncatalogued and uncounted.
The fluent leaves speak only the dialect of pure being.
The kiss is still fully itself though no words were spoken.

And one word transforms it into something less or other—

illicit, chaste, perfunctory, conjugal, convert.
Even calling it a kiss betrays the fluster of hands
glancing the skin or gripping a shoulder, the slow
arching of neck or knee, the silent touching of tongues.

Yet the stones remain less real to those who cannot
name them, or read the mute syllables graven in silica.
To see a red stone is less than seeing it as jasper—
metamorphic quartz, cousin to the flint the Kiowa
carved as arrowheads. To name is to know and remember.

The sunlight needs no praise piercing the rainclouds,
painting the rocks and leaves with light, then dissolving
each lucent droplet back into the clouds that engendered it.
The daylight needs no praise, and so we praise it always—

In the same way, words can help us understand or even figure things out. So my purpose for this blog is two-fold in that it can serve as a way for whoever is reading to be updated about my life and thoughts and hopefully I can learn more about myself and come to new discoveries and conclusions as well in the process.

I'll start by telling you about Monday. Our Christmas tree had been up for about three months until then. Silly as it may sound, I had a lot of emotions wrapped up in that tree's grandiose presence. November through January were pretty emotional months for me; during that time, our Christmas tree was put up (in a whole night of adventure) and many of the nights we'd all stay up late hanging out were lit by the tree instead of the normal lamps. During that time, a lot of people were at our apartment regularly but aren't around anymore for various reasons. And having the massive looming tree, whose lights didn't even work anymore, still standing seemed to serve as an unwelcome reminder that our apartment was lacking in company.

The last month has been hard for me because of that emptiness. I don't do well on my own and I'm trying to figure out how to live well in this period of my life. I want to enjoy where I am instead of constantly trying to change it. This is the first time in a very long time that I haven't been attached to a guy in some way, and that's great. I need this. So I want to thrive in it.

Anyway, taking down the tree was good for me because it removed all of those memories and emotions that I had attached to it being there. Now, the apartment feels like it did when we first moved in - a great, "starting over" feeling.

Monday was also my last day of class, possibly for the rest of my life. Well, I can't see myself never taking any kind of class again, but graduate school is officially over - a change of pace in life, after almost six years, that I'm not sure how I feel about. So far, it feels good to be able to read what I want and not have ominous assignments when I'd rather be doing something else. But I love to learn. So I am probably going to sit in on a poetry class next quarter just for fun. Through grad school, somehow I managed a 4.0. It's funny because the reason I wanted an A in my last class to keep the 4.0 is because now Dr. Reneau will stop me on stage at graduation and tell everyone that I got all As. I'm excited about that, even if it's silly. It's crazy to think I'm really not in school anymore. I'm sure that will become more real to be over the next few weeks or months, and I will share any new thoughts or realizations.

I also got a job on Monday. Not a "real" job, but one for now until August. I spend most of my free time at the Frothy Monkey anyway, so now I will just be serving people while I'm there instead of wracking my brain for a good argument to write about. I knew my life wouldn't be complete without being a barista at some point.

[Side note: right now on Pandora, Muse is very appropriately singing "Feeling Good" - "It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life for me, and I'm feeling good."]

Also, in the "new leaf" department, I've been working out and trying to eat better. Bri and I actually went to two workout classes in a row last Tuesday. You'd think "Wow, that's really stupid," which is actually what Lori said to me when I walked in the door, haha, but it was great! I felt revived afterwards and much less stressed. I've also laid out in the sun two times already this week, and it's only February! I can't handle being outside in the heat of real summer though, so I need to get all of this laying out done ASAP. Last summer, I worked almost every day and only wore a swimsuit two times that I remember. This summer will definitely be different. Also, Lori and Bri are dying to do as many summer/swimsuit activities as possible since Lori didn't get to last summer and Bri won't next summer.

I'll save trying to answer the looming "So, Heather, what are you going to do with your life?" question for a later post. For now, I'm just looking forward to a school-less, hopefully stress-free summer.