Transitional thoughts...
"So then, those who suffer according to God's will should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good."
Similar to that verse we all love (Galatians 6:9) that basically says, "Hey! Shut up and keep going even though things really suck!" That's the LAST thing I want to hear because I don't want things to be hard and then be expected to "keep on keeping on" through it. I want to cave in. I want to give up. I want to stop doing the right thing. That'd be so much easier. Here's where I realized why I need people for support. I will inevitably stop making the right decisions if I'm not accountable to and honest with people who will be there to encourage me to do the godly thing when I really want to do the wrong thing -- even though I'm very aware it's not God's best. Don't get me wrong, the Holy Spirit is the encourager, and although sometimes I do forget that, I know that he does help more than I will ever be aware of. However, God also gave us people to help us keep going when it's hard. The hard part, our own part, is being honest with people so they know how to help. I had gotten really good at that this past year. Prided myself on it, actually. But I feel like I've stopped, in a way. I had a "high" of being super honest and now I'm falling into a rut again of thinking I'll be OK if I don't acknowledge things to other people and just keep going on my own. I know there's a balance to this though, as with everything in life. So, just as I experienced the high level of honesty and openness, now I feel like I'm in the down swing of the pendulum, letting my mind turn honesty into being needy and overwhelming.
Another part of where I am, maybe contributing to why I feel like I'm in a rut, is that I just don't know what to do with not having the normalcy of school that I've had for the past 6 years. I don't have anything to fall back on, so I have a lot more free time. I'm unsure of how to live a life full of free time and still make good decisions. Making a positive transition into the social world of adulthood is harder than I expected. I don't know how to be a Christian in that world, which is unsettling. I've been evaluating what it means to follow Christ and how well other people can and should be able to tell that I'm trying to do so. So far, I think the bible says people will know we are Christians by how we love each other and by the fruit of the spirit we display. So I've been thinking about that and trying to figure out which fruits I have... and which ones I don't. Anyway, I think school/campus was my comfort blanket, in that I always had a community of both students seeking God and those who couldn't care less. So it was easier to have that support, even when I didn't want it, and to disciple others all at the same time. Now, my community is the few friends I have left in Ruston, Crossroads, and the people I work with. You know, I've just typed so many different sentences and then erased them all. I can't explain at the moment why life now is so different, but I'm sure I'll keep thinking about it to try and clarify my thoughts. It's just been a struggle for me lately. I think one reason I can name is because I don't see any way that I'm living differently from the people around me, so I'm not sure how being a Christian is actively separating me or causing me to show Jesus. I feel more like I'm assimilating to the world and being consumed by it instead of being a light. So I'm not sure where to go from here.
For now, I will go to sleep.
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