The past week or so, I've realized how important it is to me for people to think I'm good at what I do. Great at what I do, actually. All my life, I've been the best at everything in my family. I'm the oldest, the first one to go to college, the one to get the best grades, the one everyone in my family calls when they have a question even about random things that I really don't know much about. I am usually a fast learner, pick up on things quickly and am good at most things I try my hand at. At least that's how I like to see myself.
I started working at Chili's a little over a week ago, and I've worked a lot since I've started so I've had a lot of time to realize that I'm not OK if everyone there doesn't see me as the amazing new server who doesn't mess up. The first thing that came to mind when I realized that need is that I need to learn humility. Whether or not I am great at what I'm doing, I shouldn't need people to acknowledge it. It's definitely an attention thing too - if I'm just average, people don't have any reason to pay attention to me. I want to be honest with myself about these things so I can change my heart and attitude and not fall apart when I'm just average at something. I don't want my identity to be found in the attention I get from people.
Also I've realized lately that it freaks me out that I'm going to go to Korea alone. I am proud of myself that I am finally following this dream that I've had for so long. I know this is who I am and I'm glad that I am being true to myself and to the desires God's given me. But considering most of the people I'm surrounded by right now, I seem to be one of the few who hasn't chosen to go to Africa - which threw me off when I thought about it. I love South Africa and I know I could be happy there and it wouldn't be as scary because I would know so many people there. It's just not where my passion is. Again, I'm really happy that I am sure about what I want, but once I get past the concept of just "being in Korea" for a year and think about practical, every day life, I get scared. Will I have any friends like I have here who I can talk to about important things? Will I be able to talk to my friends anywhere close to the amount I do now? What will I do every day after work? I've never lived alone, will I even be able to handle that? What if I can't find a good community to be involved in? That makes a year seem like a really long time.
Side note: For the first time, my fear is not "Oh no, when will I get married?" I feel very grown up because of this, too. I also know (given my new rational mindset) that once I leave Louisiana, 24 will seem VERY young to me. In Korea, it's rare for women to marry before they are 26 or so.
I've seen such a pattern in my life of me freaking out about what will happen, things falling into place (while I don't realize it and think God's nowhere to be found), then realizing that everything worked out the best way it could and He was taking care of me all along. So, I know that this pattern will continue - He WILL be in Korea taking care of me. I do have peace about deciding to go; it's just a lack of confidence in my own ability to be OK without the people and security I have here. But He's given me this passion and He's already there preparing a community for me. I just need to actively trust Him with it.
In a very, very special woman's words, here I go.
